The Reconciling Walk

I composed "The Reconciling Walk" and have shared it with both my sisters; Nana and Dee. Nana cried as she was reading it, smiled afterwards, gave me a hug and thanked me. Dee kept saying "you got that right, you betcha, and then gave me a big smile and told me that if she could she would give me a big bear hug. My sisters are very special; I love them both very much. Dee asked me yesterday to share the story with her friends, family, and readers, so I am.

The Reconciling Walk – Inspired by Strong Powerful Wonderful Healing Sisterly Love (By Esmeralda Moore)
January 12, 2008

As I hung up my cell phone after talking to my brother Eliseo, I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and told myself to stuff Kleenex in my pockets and take my walk. I looked at the time; it was 4:45 pm. I told myself that it would be the one of the most important walks in my life. “Walk for just an hour" I told myself, "just do it, do it for Dee, do it for Nana, do it for yourself:”

Since Christmas day 2008 when we almost lost my younger sister Dee to a deadly bacterium my regular exercise routine has been put on hold, but regular power walking is always on my agenda, I make it a point to take my power walks. Today’s walk was a “must”.

Eliseo, also known as “the sister’s boy-as opposed to “mama’s boy” and lovingly named Bebe (Spanish for baby) by our oldest sibling, my sister Emma (Nana), he gave me an update on my sister, Dee. Bebe is the youngest of 3 sisters and 2 bothers. Bebe refers to his three sisters as “the Darrels” Bebe likes the Bob Newhart show, his nickname for his 3 sisters came from this show. Nana is Darrel #1, I am Darrel #2 and Dee is Darrel # 3. “Have you spoken with Van (Dee’s husband) or Karen (Dee’s eldest daughter) over the last few hours?” He asked. “No”, I said, “What’s up”. It seemed that my heart skipped a hundred jumps in a second; somehow I knew it was not going to be good news. He sounded like he had been crying, and to have our little big brother (he is 6’2") cry rips at the heart of his Darrels. “It’s not good, you better go workout, that’s where I’m headed”. My Darrel #3 is going to lose her fingers and her legs, the doctors have told us they will need to amputate as soon as possible”, he said gruffly. We cried together over the phone, I felt us holding each other. I took a deep breath, stopped my hysterical crying and told him to have a great workout.

I headed out the door, my pockets full of Kleenex. This walk would be a sisterly walk. Sadly I realized that it was official now, Dee would be handicapped for life. Dee now joined Nana, and her husband Van in the “handicap” category. Nana has fiboratious tumors embedded in her spinal cord, she was born with it. Nana lives with severe pain, and has lost some functions of internal organs over the last couple of decades. Her pain has always been part of her life. Van hurt his back years ago in a job related accident and also lives with severe pain, he relies on a walking cane to help him walk. Dee tells me that she always has great parking spots since both Van and Nana have permanent handicap stickers; and that this is one of the great added benefits of being the driver of handicappers she says.

The fact that my older sister Nana is alive and still walks at the age of 55 is a miracle in itself. Nana has a slew of doctors and medication, Nana calls her heavy dosage of meds her daily cocktail. She bravely holds off taking any pain medication till late evening; she tells me as long as she feels the pain she knows she is living. We have been told by many doctors for many years that Nana should be in a wheelchair; Nana proves them wrong every year. Nana and Dee live in the same city, and our younger sister Dee has been “Nana’s taxi” for many years driving Nana to her frequent doctor visits. I couldn’t help but recall when Nana had a series of major surgeries; the family had spent many days and nights in hospital waiting rooms; history was repeating itself. It’s not fair I screamed in my head! I want both my sisters to be as healthy as me! I headed down the steps leading to the sidewalk and noticed that once again it was one of those “warm weather breaking sunshine winter days”. It was a beautiful day. The screaming in my head stopped as I felt the warm sun on me and took in the beautiful day.

I knew that I would have to go over Dee’s “list”; just as I had for Nana’s list over 15 years ago when complications from Nana’s birth defect had emerged with a vengeance. I told myself to calm down and make the list and get it over with. The “list” would bombard my Dee and I needed to have offsets ready, my sister would need me to provide the “list” offsets.

The List:

The wind blew my hair and into my eyes- frustrated I removed it. My sister will not be able to do this small gesture I thought. Then a new thought emerged; she will be able to feel the wind on her face…yeah! Her long thick hair…I thought…it will be necessary to cut it short. Short hair is a lot easier to manage without fingers. I recalled that Dee had previously worn her hair short and that she looks very pretty in both long and short hair. We can do short hair, I thought, not a big deal. Maybe I will cut mine short too I thought. We can both have short hair; I will start hunting for good short haircuts for us.

As I walked, I recalled how much my sister Dee loves the outdoors, how much she enjoys flea markets, camping and hiking. A new flood of tears came flowing down- “It’s ok,” I told myself we will make sure she has one of those fancy wheelchairs, knowing my sister she will mischievously pretend to run over my toes. I took us at that moment to a flea market outing in my mind and picked up my pace. Momentarily the tears were replaced with a small smile, with my heart beating strong from my power walking.

As I rounded the corner of my block, smiling I looked up and noticed the beautiful landscaping in my neighbor’s front lawn…my smile faded as I cried over this new list item; how will Dee continue without her gardening hobby? Dee has a green thumb and loves gardening; she grows her own vegetables and has tons of house plants. Offset- there is no way she will cease her gardening hobby; we will get her gardening gloves to go over her prosetic hands. I begged God to please let her keep her wonderful green thumbs, yes that might be possible I told myself. I wondered if I could find gardening gloves with big smiling faces and little red hearts; my new imagined gardening gloves for my Dee gave me courage to continue with my reconciling walk and the list. New tears emerged again coming down fast and furious.

I refused to use my Kleenex to wipe my tears. I wanted the tears to clean my wounded heart. I let the tears fall, but they were clouding up my glasses and I didn’t want to trip so I used some of the Kleenex to wipe my glasses. New item- what about Dee’s glasses, will she be able to put them on ok? Will she be able to wipe them? Offset-maybe we can pursue eye lasik surgery for Dee.

Dee loves to be outdoors especially on sunny days. I imagined her in one of her camping trips with her new hands, a new shiny wheelchair and her prosthetic legs. She can always use the wheelchair along with her legs; she can switch back and forth. I smiled seeing Dee at her camping trip in my head. The tears stopped. There was no doubt that Dee would continue to love life and continue to cherish her outdoor adventures.

As I continued my walk, and turned the corner and headed towards my trail on mile two, feeling the warmth of the sun on me, I knew my sister could and would still feel the sun on her face; her senses were still all intact. I knew that like Nana, Dee would continue to be strong and courageous, and, like Nana, she would love life even more. I knew that today’s list would most likely grow over the years. Any new items on the list will always have a positive offset I told myself.

With love swelling inside of me for my two sisters and with my two powerful legs carrying me I picked up my pace again. I knew that their courage and strength flowed in me; they had been training me for many years to take life and to live it to its fullest. I am so very proud and grateful they are my sisters. I finished mile four at 5:45 pm, it was a great walk, my sisters had joined me in my heart on this walk. My smile was huge as I walked up the steps to my front door. God had also joined me in my walk; I had felt Him holding my hand and gently reminding me all the way what a grand prize my sisters are. He had helped and comforted me during with this reconciling walk.

I couldn’t wait to tell and share my walk with Dee and Nana.